Time now: 0448.
Felt a little tired yet cant fall asleep, or rather, my mind just cant stop thinking of certain things. And so i've decided to find things to keep myself occupied and wait till 6 plus.. and thats when i shall go have my BIG BREAKFAST! Gotta have good breakfast and lunch today before i go for my wisdom tooth extraction in the noon, cos with all wisdom tooth extracted, i doubt eating will be easy.
Was reading around 2% of the foolscap. Its kinda weird cos as i was reading, memories of the past kept resurfacing yet, i don really have any feelings. At the same time, i kept on thinking about some issues and still have a deep feeling over certain things. And it makes me wonder if things still matter.
Am i happy over that? Don really know. So what if that happens? Its does not concern me anyway. So what if its a good thing? It may not necessarily be good for me. Things are so complicated.
One sms, 2 words and a non-working brain is all it takes in the past. Will the same sms, 2 words work in the other way, but with a working brain this time round? =)
time now: 0504.
1.5 hours more for my big breakfast. Why cant time just pass more quickly when i want it to and slows down at other moments in life? It'll be wonderful if it can even be reversed. Am i asking too much? LOL.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
FATE, fading.... finally faded
If there's ever such a thing call fate, then there's only one possibility
- We are just not* fated to be
*Initial word used was "never". Thinking about it, it might not be accurate to use that word, since "never means never ever". You're the one who told me that.
If thats just whatever you wanted it to be, so be it. I'll try my best. If thats not what you ever wanted, all i can say is too late.. its all fate.
- We are just not* fated to be
*Initial word used was "never". Thinking about it, it might not be accurate to use that word, since "never means never ever". You're the one who told me that.
If thats just whatever you wanted it to be, so be it. I'll try my best. If thats not what you ever wanted, all i can say is too late.. its all fate.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Reflections of the past... Prediction of the future..
In camp now. Having duty tml. Helping zhong hao with his duty since he's having guard2 tml. Doing more duties than usual this month.. That will mean no more duties for the next 2 months, except for guard. Kind of sick of doing duties, simply because there's afew "assholes" trying to get things done, without knowing why some things are happening in the first place.
Next next week will be ATEC II. As much as i would like to give it my all, i kinda lack the energy to push myself through. Perhaps its due to the "conflicts" in camp... or perhaps its just because i'm starting to go into my hibernation mode. No matter what, i know that there isn't much time left and i should really do lots more even when others may feel that there isn't a need to, or that we have "already lost the battle".
I'm not someone who is go "on" about army, neither am those who will fight and die for 46, but what i thought was that i ought to do my best and be thankful for those who helped me out of the difficult times.
Some people ask me if a regreted not being a scout. I think I didn't really regret. though life is busier now as compared to the rest of the scouts, i still feel happy doing the things i'm doing. Sometimes, when i look back, it seems like the things that i am doing are quite meaningless. But i know that no matter what, i ought to complete those tasks. Simply because if i don't someone else will have to. And i know i have to do it, to reduce the burden of that "someone". And its that "someone" who has help me alot (without me knowing initially), to get me to where i am, to give me so much opportunities, till the extend of me having second thoughts about whether i really deserved all these. I would say that i have been well protected, even though i may be very rediculous at times. And its precisely because of all these reasons that made me wanna do much more than i could.
I just cant imagine what life would be like for me if i'm still in scouts. More freedom? Leading a more meaningless life? at least thats what i see from the current scouts.
I hope i've matured through this one year plus. i've learnt quite a few things which will be benifical to me, and i knew there's much more to learn. And one of which is PR skills. Its either my PR skills are bad, or just that their mentality sucks. I'm not the kind of person who will give in easily to others, neither do i talk the person directly on how to improve things. I will just continue life as usual and i hope one day, i will be able to influence you/your attitude/thinking. Ultimately, i knew that i don have to depend on you people for anything, and that there's more people who will give me their support. Just keep a constant check on your fucked up mentality before it goes beyond my limits. till then, it may all be too late.
=) Life's still has its meaning afterall. =)
Next next week will be ATEC II. As much as i would like to give it my all, i kinda lack the energy to push myself through. Perhaps its due to the "conflicts" in camp... or perhaps its just because i'm starting to go into my hibernation mode. No matter what, i know that there isn't much time left and i should really do lots more even when others may feel that there isn't a need to, or that we have "already lost the battle".
I'm not someone who is go "on" about army, neither am those who will fight and die for 46, but what i thought was that i ought to do my best and be thankful for those who helped me out of the difficult times.
Some people ask me if a regreted not being a scout. I think I didn't really regret. though life is busier now as compared to the rest of the scouts, i still feel happy doing the things i'm doing. Sometimes, when i look back, it seems like the things that i am doing are quite meaningless. But i know that no matter what, i ought to complete those tasks. Simply because if i don't someone else will have to. And i know i have to do it, to reduce the burden of that "someone". And its that "someone" who has help me alot (without me knowing initially), to get me to where i am, to give me so much opportunities, till the extend of me having second thoughts about whether i really deserved all these. I would say that i have been well protected, even though i may be very rediculous at times. And its precisely because of all these reasons that made me wanna do much more than i could.
I just cant imagine what life would be like for me if i'm still in scouts. More freedom? Leading a more meaningless life? at least thats what i see from the current scouts.
I hope i've matured through this one year plus. i've learnt quite a few things which will be benifical to me, and i knew there's much more to learn. And one of which is PR skills. Its either my PR skills are bad, or just that their mentality sucks. I'm not the kind of person who will give in easily to others, neither do i talk the person directly on how to improve things. I will just continue life as usual and i hope one day, i will be able to influence you/your attitude/thinking. Ultimately, i knew that i don have to depend on you people for anything, and that there's more people who will give me their support. Just keep a constant check on your fucked up mentality before it goes beyond my limits. till then, it may all be too late.
=) Life's still has its meaning afterall. =)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
=l
Its 0010hrs on a sunday morning, and i'm in camp doing my 2 days of duty. =) (its not allowed btw). In less than 8hrs shall be my home sweet home time. The reason i'm typing all this is just because i'm rather bored... Having spent most of the day sleeping, i doubt i can sleep easily tonight, so has been spending time reading a book. Reading books nowadays makes me sleepy. (not that they dont in the past.) And so, i'm taking a break using inet. Shall continue reading or maybe go sleep after this.
India Trip
In about 6 days time, i shall be flying to India. Its for overseas exercise... but not exactly though, since i'm not part of the combat team. I'd say its gonna be an eye-opener for me. Sometimes, it feels really weird to be in a armour formation but not at all armour trained. Hopefully this trip will expose me to the different elements of armour ops.
6 days more to my flight and i have not pack my stuff, and i'm not exactly sure what to bring over too. lol. Everthing shall turn out fine in the end (i hope).
I'm not exactly looking forward to this trip though. Partly because i do not have any idea what am i supposed to do there. Partly because i'm not going over with those people whom i know better... which would mean i will go for R&R alone. Not exactly alone though... like i say, with people whom i'm not really closed to yet.
Hope everything shall turn out fine in india. And hopefully i'll enjoy the R&R. =(
TP Test
Taken leave on mon and tues, cos tues is my driving TP test. Confident of passing? 50/50 i guess. Quite alot of things depends on luck. Hopefully i will pass, or i'll be in deep shit. lolx. Cant wait to drive around on my own. (but that sounds scary too! lol)
Undergraduate Studies
Have been looking at the possibility of studying overseas these few days. The outcome wasn't that impressive. Guess i would have to put in more effort to do up the research. But with whatever that i've done, i can conclude (or rather have concluded long ago) that an overseas education is extremely expensive and i will not have means to do it. That leaves me with 3 possibilities.
1. Bank loan (not sure if its possible/how its done etc etc)
2. Scholarships (Uncertain of which scholarship suits me)
3. Have undergrad studies in S'pore and then postgrad overseas.
Perhaps no. 3 seems more feasible. However, it wont be the best choice.
Not sure if i should go overseas to study. There's one part of me which encourages me to do so.. to do what i desires to do. But theres the other side which made me have second thoughts. Perhaps its all the uncertainties in my mind right now thats causing all these. or perhaps its just me not willing to leave my comfort zone. How i wish there will be someone who truely understands me to advise me what to do. =)
local degree vs overseas degree => is there a diff?
local edn vs overseas edn => overseas better?
The answer will arrive on a boat which will be straight upon reaching the jetty. (-.-")
But i know that i'm 99% sure that i wont go overseas ultimately because:
1. No means to finance
2. the uni dont accept me
3. its just me...
India Trip
In about 6 days time, i shall be flying to India. Its for overseas exercise... but not exactly though, since i'm not part of the combat team. I'd say its gonna be an eye-opener for me. Sometimes, it feels really weird to be in a armour formation but not at all armour trained. Hopefully this trip will expose me to the different elements of armour ops.
6 days more to my flight and i have not pack my stuff, and i'm not exactly sure what to bring over too. lol. Everthing shall turn out fine in the end (i hope).
I'm not exactly looking forward to this trip though. Partly because i do not have any idea what am i supposed to do there. Partly because i'm not going over with those people whom i know better... which would mean i will go for R&R alone. Not exactly alone though... like i say, with people whom i'm not really closed to yet.
Hope everything shall turn out fine in india. And hopefully i'll enjoy the R&R. =(
TP Test
Taken leave on mon and tues, cos tues is my driving TP test. Confident of passing? 50/50 i guess. Quite alot of things depends on luck. Hopefully i will pass, or i'll be in deep shit. lolx. Cant wait to drive around on my own. (but that sounds scary too! lol)
Undergraduate Studies
Have been looking at the possibility of studying overseas these few days. The outcome wasn't that impressive. Guess i would have to put in more effort to do up the research. But with whatever that i've done, i can conclude (or rather have concluded long ago) that an overseas education is extremely expensive and i will not have means to do it. That leaves me with 3 possibilities.
1. Bank loan (not sure if its possible/how its done etc etc)
2. Scholarships (Uncertain of which scholarship suits me)
3. Have undergrad studies in S'pore and then postgrad overseas.
Perhaps no. 3 seems more feasible. However, it wont be the best choice.
Not sure if i should go overseas to study. There's one part of me which encourages me to do so.. to do what i desires to do. But theres the other side which made me have second thoughts. Perhaps its all the uncertainties in my mind right now thats causing all these. or perhaps its just me not willing to leave my comfort zone. How i wish there will be someone who truely understands me to advise me what to do. =)
local degree vs overseas degree => is there a diff?
local edn vs overseas edn => overseas better?
The answer will arrive on a boat which will be straight upon reaching the jetty. (-.-")
But i know that i'm 99% sure that i wont go overseas ultimately because:
1. No means to finance
2. the uni dont accept me
3. its just me...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Disappointments in life...
It has been a really long long while since i last blogged. Reason being, I dont really intend to do any blogging. But more so because I'm just plain lazy.
The reason why I'm writing this post is simple - Complaint AND more nagging.
I'm starting to feel hopeless and disappointed with my branch. I'm starting to see the worse side of S3 branch. I always thought S3 branch was a nice branch, like what others always said.
Its true, but perhaps only to a certain extent. The bosses and certain (yes, limited to a few only) people in the branch are really nice people, which really helps me settle down in S3 branch. However, as a branch, in terms of how we operate, we are simply fucked up. Really fucked up.
I'm writing all these nonsense here because I'm rather pissed off with somebody in particular and i just feel like blogging everything in my mind and hopefully all these negatives thoughts will be removed from my brain (with limited and precious memory) forever.
Ever since I was young, i always have this aim in life. I always wanted to be successful in life. I want to excel in my career. I want to earn lots of money and be rich. The reason beind why i wanna be rich is simply because I always believe that if I'm rich, I'd be able to provide my child with the best that i could. I will not deny them of any opportunities to learn and grow to be a better person.
However, my one year plus of army life has given me a second thoughts on my "ambition". Simply because through this short period of time, I've have seen a few well to do people with a "fuck up" attitude. The way they do things, their thinking and their mentality really disappoints me at times.
Perhaps i have a weird working style which almost nobody can suit me and work with me. (Which i hope thats not the case). Perhaps, these people just have a nonchalant attitude towards NS. (That cant really be the reason, since I'm not that garung towards NS, yet can be bothered to contribute) Or perhaps, its just simply because they are too spoilt.
Today, I was told to update a file which contains document with lots of chapters and sections. This particular document was printed by X quite some time ago. I looked through the document and realised that some chapters and sections only has odd-numbered pages printed out, which means there are missing pages. In addition, while finding this file, i found a whole stack of updates for year 2009 which was supposed to be filed in as well (obviously it was not done). Btw, the updates I'm tasked to do are for year 2010.
So, i decided to sms X about this issue.
"X, I realised the following things to the file you printed long time ago.
1. There are a few chapters with only the odd numbered pages printed out (eg. chap 4,5 etc). Pls look through the file again and do the neccessary changes.
2. I found a stack to updates to the document in cupboard XXX, pls file them into the file accordingly. (insert, delete/replace)
Try to get them done asap. Hopefully by this fri"
And here's his reply:
"Jian Lin, i have noticed some things regarding your attitude 1, you are a magniloquent oaf (I cant even be bothered what it really means) with no reason to subordinate anyone especially me. (not me then who? Everyone has given up hope on you) You are inferior in graces to me, so know your place. (WTF, does he even know what he's talking about??) 2, lest you forget you are not my superior yet (so i can send the above msg when i'm your superior? Like... soon??) and your antics at changing the dynamics of our branch is troubling (OUR BRANCH?? Glad that you consider yourself as part of THE BRANCH). Please educate yourself in your relationship and command skills (educate? like using iNet everyday to study, or locking yourself in conference room to study SATS, which i'm not even sure when will you be bothered to take and/ or whether you can even pass) . insert/ delete and replace your attitude asap preferably before you alienate yourself."
Cant believe I'm finding this msg funny as i'm typing it out.
It suddenly reminds me of the amazing race at sentosa the other time. We were supposed to meet at Harbour Front MRT at 7.00am. Obiviously, there were ppl late. Someone called X, and he said he will meet us at 7.30am at the main entrance to sentosa. We board the monorail. Someone called X again. He said he will meet us at the starting point at 8am. (all these while still sleeping.) We reach the starting point, but because not everyone in our team is there, we got penalised. We called him, he picked up his phone (he was still sleeping) and ask.... "must i go? Can you guys proceed without me? I don feel like going."
I was damn pissed off with his attitude. And what made it worse... he's actually staying in Sentosa! How fucked up can he be?
Of course, there are alot of other things that happen in the course of the amazing race which i don think i'll blog it down.
Such irresponsible ppl have really affected my mood every now and then. I don really know what to do and how to do, and i cant even be bothered anymore to do anything to these people.
If thats the way they are then let it be, for i know that with that kind of attitude, they cant go far. And (no offence) i really feel sorry for their parents. really.
Cant believe I'm starting (perhaps have already started) given up on S3 branch.
Its fucked up.
From now on, i shall just do whatever I'm tasked to do, whatever i need to do. I shall not do anything for such a fucked up branch.
The reason why I'm writing this post is simple - Complaint AND more nagging.
I'm starting to feel hopeless and disappointed with my branch. I'm starting to see the worse side of S3 branch. I always thought S3 branch was a nice branch, like what others always said.
Its true, but perhaps only to a certain extent. The bosses and certain (yes, limited to a few only) people in the branch are really nice people, which really helps me settle down in S3 branch. However, as a branch, in terms of how we operate, we are simply fucked up. Really fucked up.
I'm writing all these nonsense here because I'm rather pissed off with somebody in particular and i just feel like blogging everything in my mind and hopefully all these negatives thoughts will be removed from my brain (with limited and precious memory) forever.
Ever since I was young, i always have this aim in life. I always wanted to be successful in life. I want to excel in my career. I want to earn lots of money and be rich. The reason beind why i wanna be rich is simply because I always believe that if I'm rich, I'd be able to provide my child with the best that i could. I will not deny them of any opportunities to learn and grow to be a better person.
However, my one year plus of army life has given me a second thoughts on my "ambition". Simply because through this short period of time, I've have seen a few well to do people with a "fuck up" attitude. The way they do things, their thinking and their mentality really disappoints me at times.
Perhaps i have a weird working style which almost nobody can suit me and work with me. (Which i hope thats not the case). Perhaps, these people just have a nonchalant attitude towards NS. (That cant really be the reason, since I'm not that garung towards NS, yet can be bothered to contribute) Or perhaps, its just simply because they are too spoilt.
Today, I was told to update a file which contains document with lots of chapters and sections. This particular document was printed by X quite some time ago. I looked through the document and realised that some chapters and sections only has odd-numbered pages printed out, which means there are missing pages. In addition, while finding this file, i found a whole stack of updates for year 2009 which was supposed to be filed in as well (obviously it was not done). Btw, the updates I'm tasked to do are for year 2010.
So, i decided to sms X about this issue.
"X, I realised the following things to the file you printed long time ago.
1. There are a few chapters with only the odd numbered pages printed out (eg. chap 4,5 etc). Pls look through the file again and do the neccessary changes.
2. I found a stack to updates to the document in cupboard XXX, pls file them into the file accordingly. (insert, delete/replace)
Try to get them done asap. Hopefully by this fri"
And here's his reply:
"Jian Lin, i have noticed some things regarding your attitude 1, you are a magniloquent oaf (I cant even be bothered what it really means) with no reason to subordinate anyone especially me. (not me then who? Everyone has given up hope on you) You are inferior in graces to me, so know your place. (WTF, does he even know what he's talking about??) 2, lest you forget you are not my superior yet (so i can send the above msg when i'm your superior? Like... soon??) and your antics at changing the dynamics of our branch is troubling (OUR BRANCH?? Glad that you consider yourself as part of THE BRANCH). Please educate yourself in your relationship and command skills (educate? like using iNet everyday to study, or locking yourself in conference room to study SATS, which i'm not even sure when will you be bothered to take and/ or whether you can even pass) . insert/ delete and replace your attitude asap preferably before you alienate yourself."
Cant believe I'm finding this msg funny as i'm typing it out.
It suddenly reminds me of the amazing race at sentosa the other time. We were supposed to meet at Harbour Front MRT at 7.00am. Obiviously, there were ppl late. Someone called X, and he said he will meet us at 7.30am at the main entrance to sentosa. We board the monorail. Someone called X again. He said he will meet us at the starting point at 8am. (all these while still sleeping.) We reach the starting point, but because not everyone in our team is there, we got penalised. We called him, he picked up his phone (he was still sleeping) and ask.... "must i go? Can you guys proceed without me? I don feel like going."
I was damn pissed off with his attitude. And what made it worse... he's actually staying in Sentosa! How fucked up can he be?
Of course, there are alot of other things that happen in the course of the amazing race which i don think i'll blog it down.
Such irresponsible ppl have really affected my mood every now and then. I don really know what to do and how to do, and i cant even be bothered anymore to do anything to these people.
If thats the way they are then let it be, for i know that with that kind of attitude, they cant go far. And (no offence) i really feel sorry for their parents. really.
Cant believe I'm starting (perhaps have already started) given up on S3 branch.
Its fucked up.
From now on, i shall just do whatever I'm tasked to do, whatever i need to do. I shall not do anything for such a fucked up branch.
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